ArcaMax

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public ...Read more

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

"Yes, sir, they were."

"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

"Yes, sir, she did."

"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she ...Read more

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the ...Read more

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the ...Read more

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the ...Read more

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Oh heck, I forgot to feed the dog!"

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer."
The ...Read more

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government ...Read more

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your ...Read more

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital ...Read more

Closure.

Closure who?

Closure mouth when you're eating!

Marco Rubio, secretary of state, has taken a brave stance on a prudent matter ripping at the fabric of American life: sans serif typeface.

This week, Rubio put an abrupt end to the State Department's use of Calibri, a screamingly liberal font akin to a beanie-clad barista serving oat milk to a drag performer while Bon Iver twinkles from the ...Read more

- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

- She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."

- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

- Your cow ...Read more

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place -- you either ...Read more

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."