I took a break from writing about the dead
and drinking from writing about the dead
to walk around my childhood neighborhood.
Everything's for rent. Or for sale, for ten
times the amount it's worth.

Palm trees are planted in front of a mural
of palm trees under the Ocean Park Bridge.
In the painting, the metal horses of a carousel are breaking
free and running down the beach. Why didn't I leave

my initials in cement
in front of my parent's apartment in the eighties?
Nikki had the right idea in '79.

I walk by a basketball court, where men play
under the florescent butts of night's cigarette.
I could have been any of their wives,
at home, filling different rooms in different houses
with hopeful wombs. Agreeing on paint color

samples with their mothers in mind.
I'll bet their wives let their cats go out
hunting at night like premonitions of future sons.
They will worry, stare out the front window,
pray that privilege doesn't bring home bad news
like some wilted head of a black girl in nascent jaws.

To say nothing of the owl who's been here for years. I hear him

when I'm trying to write about the deaths I've admired.
I hear him when the clothed me no longer recognizes
the naked. I hear him while writing and shitting and sleeping
where my mother's seven guitars sleep.
I hear him in my parent's house,
their walls covered in my many faces,
traces of decades of complacence.

My childhood neighborhood is a shrine to my success,
and I'm a car with a bomb inside, ready
to pull up in front of it and stop
pretending.

About this poem
"This poem appears in the epilogue of my new collection, 'Dark Sparkler,' a book of poems about the real and fake lives and deaths of child star actresses. The epilogue contains a series of meta poems about my experience and journey writing the poems about the actresses."
-Amber Tamblyn

About Amber Tamblyn
Amber Tamblyn is the author of "Dark Sparkler" (Harper Collins, 2015). She has been an actress since the age of 9 and lives in Brooklyn, N.Y.

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The Academy of American Poets is a nonprofit, mission-driven organization, whose aim is to make poetry available to a wider audience. Email The Academy at poem-a-day[at]poets.org.


(c) 2015 Amber Tamblyn. Originally published by the Academy of American Poets, www.poets.org. Distributed by King Features Syndicate