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Dear Eric: My husband and I retired a little over three years ago. We both saved by working very hard all our lives so we can retire and travel. We started to travel often and are enjoying it very much, except I feel guilty when talking to our two adult children who are living paycheck-to-paycheck. They don't say anything negative to us, but I just feel they think instead of us traveling extensively, why don't we help them financially?

Should we try to help them financially? We are not rich, but our financial adviser said we should be in good shape even with our travels if we stay on budget.

I try to not speak too much about each trip, so I don't "rub it in" that we are financially stable when each of them is not so. How do I get my mind in a place where I don't feel guilty about our travels and financial stability?

– Retired Guilty Parents

Dear Parents: It sounds like the guilt is coming from a narrative that’s playing in your mind which may not match what’s going on in your children’s minds. We all do this sometimes. It’s natural to make an educated or empathetic guess. But one of the gifts we can give ourselves and others is saying “this is the story that’s in my head; does it match what’s in yours?”

So, ask your children if your travel is creating resentment. Tell them about your concerns for them and then listen to the answer. They may not be thinking about this in the same way at all. They may be happy that, after all your work and your sacrifice, you’re able to enjoy your time. Indeed, hearing about your trips could bring them a lot of joy.

Think about how you might feel if the positions were reversed. Knowing that your children are seeing the world and making good use of their time might be a bright spot for you and might make you feel better about whatever is happening in your life.

Surely there was a time earlier in your life when your financial picture wasn’t so stable. Going through it isn’t necessarily a requirement or a rite of passage, but it does happen to many of us. You could be serving as an example for your children of what can come. That would be an invaluable gift.

Dear Eric: I am a single lady in my 70s with a comfortable and active social life. I am not looking for, but would not turn away from, a nice romance. I have recently met a very nice gentleman that has shown considerable interest in me.

As far as personality and interests go, I could see us as quite compatible. We have had opportunities to be together in several group activities as well as a few one-on-one activities and we truly enjoy each other's company.

The problem lies in his personal hygiene. Quite bluntly, he smells! His clothes aren't clean and I don't think he showers daily. It could be that he just kicks up a lot of dirt during the day and doesn't refresh at home before he goes out for the evening. But it's definitely a deterrent for me.

Is it best for me to just keep this friendship at arm’s length? Or is there some way to properly address this issue with him?

– Odor Issue

Dear Issue: A conversation about what’s standing between the two of you might be awkward – indeed it will probably be at least a little awkward – but it’s the way to go. It would be one thing if you weren’t interested in a relationship. Then your no could be a simple no, and it would behoove this gentleman to accept it and move on. But if this is something you want to pursue, you should say something.

Think of it this way, communication is going to be the bedrock of any relationship. So, instead of keeping him at arm’s length and leaving him to wonder, you have the opportunity to clue him in on your experience and ask for what you need.

You might start by saying that you don’t mean to offend him and you respect his personal choice, but you want to share what’s keeping you from being more serious with him. Use “I” statements to talk about your experience with odors and your relationship to hygiene.

I encourage you to push through the awkwardness, even if it doesn’t result in a romantic relationship. His lack of hygiene could indicate a deeper issue or, at the very least, an opportunity for him to be healthier. It might be difficult for him to hear, but it could be ultimately good for him to know that someone cares enough to say something.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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