ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I am almost 40 and trying to rebuild a healthier relationship with my dad. When I was a child, he was my hero, the person I looked up to and went to for advice. When I was about 10, he told me that I would probably have trouble getting along with him during my teenage years, but that things would get better when I became an adult.

I really tried to stay close to him as a teenager, but nothing I did ever felt good enough. He was strict and often dismissive, which left me struggling with anxiety and depression, even though he also taught me many good things.

Now, as an adult and a parent myself, I have learned about boundaries, built confidence and am no longer a doormat. But being around him still brings up many of those old feelings. As he has gotten older, he has become moodier, less approachable and more aggressive. I can see how his unresolved childhood pain has shaped him, and I want to have compassion, but it is hard.

I have been reaching out, trying to build healthier ways of communicating. We have made some progress, but it is slow and unpredictable. I try to express myself calmly and respectfully, but I still feel like I am hitting a wall. I am not sure how much more I can do. He once considered counseling, but I doubt he would agree to it now.

I do not want to cut him off, especially with family gatherings and my child in the picture. But I also do not want to keep feeling so drained and dismissed every time we talk.

How do I stay connected without losing myself in the process? -- Trying to Heal

Dear Trying to Heal: You have done a lot of emotional work, and it shows. Your hope, patience and willingness to reconnect with your father are admirable. It is clear you want a relationship, not perfection -- just mutual respect and warmth.

But it is also OK to accept that he may never meet you where you need him to. His pain may explain his behavior, but it does not make your hurt any less real.

Stay connected if it feels healthy, especially for your child, but protect your peace. You are not failing by stepping back emotionally. Boundaries are an act of love -- for you and for the relationship.

You are doing the best you can. That is enough.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.