ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We visited a friend and her new partner for a weekend visit. Her partner drove us to an outing about 20 miles away and went 95 mph on the highway.

Despite fearing for our lives, we said nothing. On the way back, however, I politely asked the partner if he could please keep his speed under 80 mph.

He immediately turned indignant, got out of the car and told me I should drive and that he would sit in the back with my wife. I told him I would not drive and to just please obey the speed limits.

After a heated exchange, he coldly got back in the car, drove more slowly, and never said another word for the rest of the trip. It was very uncomfortable. Was I right to speak up?

GENTLE READER: If a reasonable person would feel that the alternative to speaking up would have been to be found dead by the side of the road when the local constabulary made their rounds Monday morning, then this is not an etiquette question.

The etiquette question is: What to do after everyone got back in the car?

Miss Manners' answer is: Play dumb. After enough time has passed to allow everyone to recover their bearings, resume as normal an interaction with your friend as you can muster -- speaking about other things for the rest of the weekend.

It won't fool anyone, but you have to pass the time some way, you are not likely to accept a second invitation, and it is better than playing dead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've received several invitations to large, planned events via group text. Whether for a retirement party, bridal shower or anniversary celebration, each message included the image of an invitation, with the standard design and presentation. This indicated a certain amount of pomp and circumstance and prompted a response.

I actually appreciate this new norm, as I find that I'm more likely to immediately consult my calendar and issue a timely response than I do with mailed invitations. I also like that I get to see the rest of the guest list.

However, without an envelope or other specification of addressees, it's usually unclear which members of my household are included in the invitation. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to invite my children to an event that is not intended for them, but having to arrange childcare is often a determining factor for whether we attend.

Is there a polite way to ask for clarification on this point?

GENTLE READER: Send a separate text to the host asking if children are included in the invitation. Note the phrasing: You are not asking for an exception for your children, but rather if the event includes children generally.

Once you have gotten a response, thank the host for the invitation and say you will check calendars and respond quickly. Miss Manners knows that your response to the event depends on whether the children were invited, but there is no reason to let the host know that.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN