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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are at the age where we are receiving invitations for our friends' children's weddings and graduation parties.

I am looking at a high school graduation party invitation that states: "Formal Sunset White Attire." We received wedding invitations that stated "Semi-Formal Cowboy Chic" and another requesting "all black" -- for an August destination wedding on a beach in Florida.

If we do not own the requested attire and have no plans to purchase a one-time outfit for the event, is the polite thing to do to just send the gift we were planning on giving and decline the invitation? We don't want to appear out of place or ruin their themed photographs.

When the invitations state "formal," "semi-formal" or "casual," those give us many options that are already in our closets and don't require shopping.

GENTLE READER: You realize that you are being invited to be extras at filmed costume parties -- only without assistance from the wardrobe department.

In more decorous times, Miss Manners might have said that your having been invited meant that your actual presence was more important than your background appearance, and she would have thought that you would be welcome in clothes that simply observed the importance of the occasion. That is, suits and dresses.

But she can no longer trust that. What seems to matter most now is the appearance on social media. Sadly, she now agrees that you should send that present you were planning to give anyway, along with your good wishes, and decline showing up to participate in the video.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As Mother's Day approaches, here we are again: trying to appease my own mother, her mom (my grandma), my grandma on my dad's side (they are divorced), my mother-in-law, and my husband's siblings who are mothers -- and who have their own mothers-in-law to deal with. Oh, and also myself!

I have three beautiful children under 6, and I've spent the last six Mother's Day weekends running around to four different lunches or dinners to celebrate the other women in our lives -- for whom I am truly thankful. But us young mamas (myself, my siblings and my husband's siblings) are wondering when we get to celebrate ours!

When is it appropriate to break off all the holiday traveling and make our own traditions, while still acknowledging our extended family in a smaller way? Or are we forever going to be celebrating five Christmases everywhere but home, and four Mother's Days for all the senior mamas while us young moms get left behind?

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of cutting out the travel by inviting them to a family-wide celebration at your home? And talking up the idea of all these wonderful mothers celebrating together?

Miss Manners realizes that not all of them will be able to travel. But you will have shown your love by inviting them and perhaps planning a video call from the party to those who are absent.

This could be your new tradition. But you needn't worry about the labor of keeping it up: Facing the travel problem next year, your guests are likely to be content with calls.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN