Nephew Feels Obligated To Help Dying Aunt
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a family member who is dying. She is a grumpy woman, and everybody in my family is tired of dealing with her. Same goes for the people in the assisted living facility where she lives. They tolerate her, but they don't do anything extra because she complains constantly. She has always been grumpy, talking down to people and generally being a naysayer.
I feel like it is my duty as her nephew to be there for her. I can't get my family to come around, so I visit her just about every week. How can I get the people at the facility to spend a little more time with her? They seem to do the bare minimum. I guess I don't blame them, but I do need somebody to watch out for her. -- Grumpy Old Lady
DEAR GRUMPY OLD LADY: If you have the budget, hire an additional caregiver to sit with her for a few hours a day. You may be able to use supplementary insurance to cover most or all of the cost, so it's worth it to check. When you interview people for the job, be honest about your aunt's disposition and be clear regarding what you want them to do. Then oversee the interaction. Go to the facility regularly to observe and interact. Give pep talks to both your aunt and the caregiver about getting along. People don't usually change with age unless their health condition precipitates it. You need to hire someone who is willing and able to deal with a difficult personality.
You may want to ask members of your extended family to visit your aunt, but respect their decisions if they decline.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was dating a guy for about a year, off and on. I enjoyed his company a lot when we were together, but he pretty much ghosted me when we were apart. I told him I didn't like that, but he didn't change much. He said that this is how he is: Take it or leave it. Anyhow, I had a loss in my family that was devastating for me, and he was nowhere to be found. This really hurt my feelings. Do I say something to him or just walk away? He has hardly been around, but part of me wants to let him know how his absence hurt me. -- Left Alone
DEAR LEFT ALONE: Don't set yourself up for more pain. This man has not shown up for you in a way that would help you. This happened even before you were dealing with a loss. Why seek him out to tell him off? What do you think this will accomplish? For starters, you may not even be able to find him. You say he hasn't been around. Tracking him down could be hard. More, what is the point of this confrontation? He has already made it crystal clear that he cannot or will not be there for you the way you want. Now is not the time to put yourself in a position to get your feelings hurt again. Turn to others who have proven their love for you rather than begging him for something he is not offering.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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