Dear Anna,

Hi Anna. I’m 40 years old and single. I met someone over a year ago. Things started off well. She mentioned that she wants to spend time together, but when the time comes around I get a reason as to why she can’t make it and it's a repeat process. I feel like I’m being dragged around. What should I do? — Looking At Some Severing Options

Dear LASSO,

How frustrating. I haven’t read Dante’s "Inferno" but in my mind one of the levels of Hell is dedication to people who say they want to spend time with you and then constantly cancel.

Such wiffle-waffling creates a painful cycle of hope followed by disappointment and rejection. It’s emotionally draining, especially when you've been investing in this relationship for over a year.

Trust your instincts here. If you feel like you're being dragged around, that feeling is valid and worth paying attention to. Someone who genuinely wants to be in your life will make an effort to actually be in it — not just talk about it.

At the very least, you deserve clarity and respect for your time. Have a blunt conversation with her about this pattern and how it makes you feel. Some jumping-off points to consider:

"I've noticed we often make plans that don't end up happening. I value our connection, but this pattern has been difficult for me. Can we talk about what's going on?"

"When plans fall through repeatedly, it leaves me feeling uncertain about where I stand with you. What would help make our time together more consistent?"

"I understand things come up, but I need to know if spending time together is actually a priority for you."

"What are the real obstacles to us seeing each other more regularly? Is there something we could change about how we plan things?"

"I'd like to understand — are you genuinely interested in developing this relationship further, or are you comfortable with things staying casual and intermittent?"

Then, depending on how that conversation goes, either cut your losses or give her one more chance — that is, make one last plan. If she flakes, then it’s time to move on. If she doesn’t, well, then recalibrate from there.

I’m a big believer in words but in some instances, people's actions are a bigger harbinger for revealing their true priorities. If after a year, her consistent pattern is making promises she doesn't keep, consider whether you're getting what you truly deserve in a relationship.

While you’re at it, you might also consider asking yourself some questions:

—What do I really want from this relationship?

—What would need to change for me to feel good about continuing?

—What boundaries do I need to set for my own emotional well-being?

Whatever you decide, remember that at 40, you have the wisdom to recognize your worth and the courage to seek the genuine connection you desire.

Dear Anna,

I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship for four years. Each time we break up, he promises to change the behaviors that hurt me (controlling tendencies, checking my phone, getting upset when I see friends). We'll have a good month or two, then everything slides back to the same old patterns. My friends say I need to end it for good, but every time I try, he becomes incredibly sweet and attentive until I stay. I feel emotionally exhausted but terrified of being alone after investing so much time. How do I finally break this cycle for good? — Run-Around Blues

Dear RAB,

The technical term for the cycle you're describing is called an intermittent reinforcement pattern, and it's one of the most difficult relationship dynamics to break free from. When someone alternates between treating you poorly and then showering you with attention, it creates a powerful psychological hook that keeps you hoping the "good version" of your partner will eventually become permanent.

But after four years, these patterns aren't accidents or phases — they're established behaviors. What you're experiencing during those "sweet and attentive" periods isn't genuine change; it's a tactical response to keep you from leaving.

The fear of being alone after investing so much time is completely understandable, but consider your future and health in the long term: Every day you stay is another day invested in a relationship that's causing you harm. The temporary pain of ending things now is far less than the ongoing pain of living in this cycle for years to come.

To break the chain:

—End the relationship completely, without ambiguity

—Block them on all platforms immediately after

—Tell trusted friends about your decision so they can help keep you accountable. Designate a “sponsor” like in AA, whom you can text when the urge to contact your ex strikes.

—Prepare for the withdrawal period (because it’s the hardest part and will hurt). Throw yourself into work, a passion, even a banal task like cleaning or organizing. Keep yourself occupied during the early days and weeks to distract your mind and heart.

—Remind yourself as often as it takes that your peace is nonnegotiable

—Remind yourself about the s—ty behaviors, what you’re feeling now. Fixate on them to reinforce your resilience.

—If you slip up, get back on that wagon. Don’t let one or two mistakes derail your goal entirely.

The fact that you're emotionally exhausted is your body and mind telling you something important. Listen to that inner wisdom. Four years from now, you could be in exactly the same painful situation — or you could be four years into healing and building a life with healthy boundaries. The choice, difficult as it is, belongs to you. You can do this.

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