Q: Our breakup was nasty, and I rarely talk to my child’s other parent. When we do, it’s on a court-ordered app. Lately I have been getting notifications that my ex is trying to talk to me. I don’t want to talk. He drives me crazy. How can I convince the court that my child is better off with me? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: I understand not wanting to deal with your child’s other parent after a nasty breakup. But before you decide that less contact with your child’s other parent is the answer, do some soul-searching. You don’t want to deal with your child’s other parent. It’s doubtful that your child feels the same way. How you handle this will affect your child for the rest of their life.

With this in mind, your intimate relationship may be over, but your parenting relationship remains. Your child still has two parents. Unless there is a safety issue or a court has determined otherwise, both parents need the information necessary to parent their child.

That’s where the app comes in.

When conflict is high, a parenting app can be useful, but it doesn’t necessarily stop angry exchanges. Parents can argue on an app just as easily as they can by text. What the app does offer is a little distance. Rather than having an angry message suddenly appear in your personal texts, you receive a notification and can decide when to open the app and respond. It also keeps co-parenting communication in one place, separate from the rest of your life. But an app can’t make you communicate respectfully, and it can’t stop you from reacting to every accusation or insult. It’s simply a tool. How you use it is up to you.

In the world of tit-for-tat court cases, your ex is doing exactly what the court has directed you to do. You are not.

Rather than viewing app notifications as an intrusion, look at what your co-parent is actually asking. You don’t have to respond to insults, accusations or commentary about your former relationship. Look for the child related issue buried underneath the emotion.

“You’re always changing everything at the last minute. Emma has soccer Saturday. Are you taking her or am I?”

The first sentence invites an argument. The last sentence requires an answer.

Answer the last sentence.

I look at co-parenting apps like training wheels. You use them while you learn how to communicate more effectively. Ultimately, my goal for the parents I work with is that they learn how to communicate, problem solve and negotiate well enough so that they can resolve everyday parenting disagreements themselves.

And that brings us back to your original question.

Using the court to prove that your child is better off with you because you don’t want to communicate with the other parent doesn’t address the real problem. The problem is that the two of you have not yet found a way to communicate effectively about your child, and that won’t change unless you change it. Co-parenting classes may help. There you can learn tools to talk about your child without giving in to emotional triggers.

Successful co-parenting isn’t about getting everything you want. It’s about learning how to disagree, solve the problem and move forward in the best interest of the child you both love.

That’s good ex-etiquette.

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