ArcaMax

The following is a transcript of a phone call you made last month to your internet service provider after you discovered that your internet was out.

Suspiciously robotic voice: Hello! You've reached Bromtast. My name is Valerie. How can I help you today?

You: Hi, "Valerie." I'm having trouble with my internet. I'm not getting a Wi-Fi signal on any of my devices.

Valerie: It sounds like you're having trouble with your internet! I'm so sorry. That must be so frustrating! Don't worry. I can help.

You (beginning to get concerned that you're talking to an AI chatbot): Okay, great.

Valerie: First, let's try a couple of things. Please reboot the modem.

You: I already did that.

Valerie: Are you sure? Let's try it again, just to make sure. Do you need me to walk you through that?

You: No, that's not necessary. OK, I rebooted it again.

Valerie: Great! Did that solve your problem?

You: It did not.

Valerie: I'm so sorry. That must be so frustrating! Let's ping your modem and see if it's receiving properly. Yes, it is! Did that solve your problem?

You: No.

Valerie: That must be so frustrating! Let's make sure you're typing in the correct Wi-Fi password.

You: I already did that.

Valerie: OK, let's try it again. Do you need me to walk you through that? Did that solve your problem?

You: No. I'm still getting no signal on both my phone and laptop.

Valerie: Now let's make sure that your modem is plugged in to a working outlet. Do you need me to walk you through that?

You: Do you really think that I would go through this torture with you if I hadn't checked to make sure the modem was plugged in?

Valerie: I'm so sorry. That must be so frustrating. Now let's check to see if your laptop and phone are turned on. Would you like me to walk you through that?

You: I know how to turn my computer on.

Valerie: OK, great. Let's make sure that the electricity hasn't been shut off in your home. Please contact the company that provides your electrical service, confirm a constant power source and then call me back --

You: No, I have power.

Valerie: Are you positive the electricity isn't out? Maybe a criminal cut the power lines outside in preparation for a home invasion.

You: Listen, my lights are on, my TV is on. It's just the internet that's the problem. Maybe you could send someone out?

Valerie: First let's make sure that your phone isn't just an empty metal box painted black.

You: How would I be calling you on the phone if it were just an empty box?

Valerie: OK, let's check to make sure you're not just operating under delusions caused by the release of a noxious chemical in your home and are hallucinating the lack of signal on your phone and computer. Please get a mental health evaluation from your nearest behavioral health provider and then call me back --

You: Just send a repair person out here, please.

Valerie: OK, first let's check to make sure that North Koreans aren't transmitting undetectable electromagnetic waves that are scrambling your thoughts. Do you want me to walk you through that?

You: This is ridiculous.

Valerie: Great! Did that solve your problem?

You: Did what solve my problem? What did you do?

Valerie: So it sounds like your issue has been resolved. That's great news! I'll close the ticket now --

You: No! Don't close the ticket! The issue hasn't been resolved! Can you please have a technician come fix it?

Valerie: That must be so frustrating! First let's try checking whether conscious thought isn't just an abstract concept devoid of all practical value and that our connectivity to all others who are living, have ever lived or ever will live doesn't mean that the true nature of being is unity and light. Do you need me to walk you through that?

You: I will pay any amount of money for you to send a repair person to my house.

Valerie: That's good, because there's a $500 service fee for home visits.

You: Fine. Just ... fine.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

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