Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to ...Read more

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found a dirty magazine depicting spanking under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they ...Read more

- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.

- Still boots to DOS.

- Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.

- Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".

- Stuck on the down escalator of life.

- Stumped by anything child-proof.

- Subtle as a well-thrown brick.

- Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

- ...Read more

100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas? Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he ...Read more

For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

"Yah! ...Read more

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a blankety-blank checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

...Read more

1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well ...Read more

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy ...Read more

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often ...Read more