ArcaMax

Hi, woman here.

Sorry to step out of line, but the men need help. It has been brought to the attention of the Federation of Acting Female Operatives (FAFO) that a quarrel is underway between two of the most powerful men in the nation.

President Donald Trump and his special friend Elon Musk are navigating a conscious uncoupling, spreading gossip and leaving each other little passive-aggressive messages on social media. You know. Guy stuff.

In these chaotic times, with the nation at a crossroads over who gets the right to live on this land, we're lucky to have stable male figures in charge. Women have never held the presidency in America despite several attempts. This is because we are hysterical. Our mood swings and mental dispositions are controlled by how the moon and tides interact with the lining of our uteruses. That and the ritual chanting during our luteal phases. We're all, wah, wah, we want chocolate and absolute power for our covens, wah, wah, Snickers and tears!

Point being, women can't be trusted to lead with a steady hand. However, just as we need spending allowances from our husbands to keep calm around a rack of sandals, men need us, too. And not just to repopulate the earth.

Listen up, boys, because we have advice on how to win the war of a severed romance like a girl. Straight from the playbook of FAFO, here's how to navigate the rocky road of your breakup.

First of all, let yourself feel the pain. Breathe shallowly in your gilded mansions and go there emotionally, perhaps wearing your ex's old Tesla T-shirt that still smells like him. Invite a friend over -- who got Ted Cruz in the divorce? Does Ron DeSantis have anything going on?

Know that in the shock of the breakup, you will attempt a few frantic reconciliations. Running back is normal but ultimately prolongs the pain. You may seek common ground that feels forced -- for instance, a shared interest in deporting vulnerable people, harassing travelers in airports, breaking up families and hating on California. But as every woman can tell you, change is inevitable. Sit in the discomfort of your newfound solitude and fill your time with a soft, feminine hobby like knitting or painting the skulls of detractors.

You will never unearth the exact cause of your relationship's demise. Sure, you'll point to arguments over budgeting, differences in philosophy and baseball cap colors. You'll spend weeks replaying conversations and looking at your own photos while pretending to be the other person. These behaviors are just symptoms of the fact that you weren't right for each other, even if you both love deploying the Marines on American soil.

Please, watch your waistlines. No one is going to want you if you let yourself gain weight and age naturally. Hold on, that's just us. Carry on.

That brings us to the final point. All members of FAFO know that winning the breakup means to succeed, flourishing, moisturized and unbothered. Maybe you'll link up with a hot new eccentric billionaire. Maybe you'll find a big, beautiful new candidate with whom to make prolonged eye contact.

Maybe in a few years, you'll meet in the streets outside a coffee shop flanked by masked members of the military. Each clutching a latte, you'll trade a quiet smile. "You want to get a croissant?" one of you will say. "Yes," the other will reply. "Wait, no. No. We'd better not." And you'll part ways, pushing through the phalanx of armed soldiers, knowing in your heart you truly wish each other the best. Finally.

That's just what a girl would do.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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